IMPOSTER SYNDROME, REVISITED

In a recent Open Play pickleball game (I’m telling you, this sport has a lot of life lessons for me), I somehow landed a difficult, net-skimming shot right into the kitchen and out of reach of my opponent.

“That was lucky!” I exclaimed to my partner. 

He turned to me and replied, “That wasn’t lucky - that was LEANNE!” 

A couple of days later, I was having a conversation with a friend, and she replied to something I said with, “You’re not intimidated by anyone or anything.” 

Both times, I felt a little curl of shock ripple through me when the words were spoken. I always outwardly accept compliments like these graciously, but deep down, I don’t always believe them. 

A while back, I wrote about the idea of Imposter Syndrome, and how I didn’t think it was real: 

With so-called Imposter Syndrome, we’re (and by we, I mean women, as it feels like this is something that is pinned to our collective lapel more often that it is to men’s) led to believe that this is a rampant and contagious disease we have, some sort of horrific affliction, an incurable malady.

But I think now I might’ve been wrong - maybe it really does exist. Because why else would someone as seemingly as confident as me often dismiss (or be totally blind to) the awesome things others see in or about me? 

My friend Ashley Sumner, founder of the incredible coaching app Liminal, also recently wrote about Imposter Syndrome.

She says: 

I have to admit something to you— I didn’t realize I have Imposter Syndrome until last year.

I’m embarrassed to admit it, because I like to think of myself as a fairly self-aware human.

But now I look back and remember the time I spent meticulously styling my hair before school, never feeling as smart as my older brother that I looked up to, the surprise I felt when I consistently received straight A's, the confusion I still have about being accepted into the most challenging drama program in the country for college, and the lingering sense that I haven't truly "made it" despite being part of the 2% of women who received venture funding.

Hmm. Sounds familiar. 

Ash goes on to do a deep dive into this “syndrome” - including where it came from and how to know if you have it - and ends with five (my favorite number, remember?) big benefits to embracing and learning from Imposter Syndrome. Ultimately, she advises viewing it as the strength it can be, rather than dismissing it like I originally did. 

(You can take the Liminal quiz HERE to determine your Imposter Syndrome archetype and learn how to work WITH it, not against it!).

I’m deep in therapy to figure myself out but at first glance, I think my own Imposter Syndrome stems from some past rough experiences personally and professionally that sometimes translate into a fear of visibility or lack of certainty that I’m doing the right thing or am the right person for the job, proverbial or otherwise. 

Layered over that is regret over past actions, certainty I’m being judged for current decisions, and anxiety over the mistakes I’m inevitably going to make in the future. 

All of that blends to create quite the symphony, which can lead me to stare at my computer screen for what feels like hours, paralyzed and not sure what to do next, except for maybe curling into a ball on my couch and watching the California sunshine through my patio door as it makes its way across the room. 

My remedy is to sometimes indeed succumb to that couch and the sunlight. But more often than not, I shake myself out of it, put one foot in front of the other - and do it, build it, write it, share it anyway.

It’s not perfect - but then again, what - or who - is?